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How to Make a Decision

Aug 09, 2022

How to Make a Decision

by Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg


How do you decide what to say yes to and what to run from at a fast pace? Sometimes making a decision, even on the small stuff (and as the saying goes, "it's all the small stuff") can be overwhelming, so I devised this approach to more clearly assess your options. Please keep in mind that you need to find the best way forward for you, so feel free to tweak these questions as it serves you.


But first a little background: I’m a recovering girl-who-can’t-say-no. For years, everything I got offered and every possibility I thought up just sounds like too much fun to pass up, but after my health suffered from over-committing, I came up with the mantra, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” Then I ran the experiment a few thousand more times to realized I needed more than a mantra. Over a decade ago, a dear friend said to you, “You need to think up five questions to ask yourself before saying yes to anything.”


I have, and in fact, the five questions turned to six, and then I realized the questions weren’t enough: I needed to score them from 0 (heck no!) to 5 (this is the greatest thing since soft-serve organic ice cream). Are you wondering, “Do I bake 42 cupcakes for the preschool tomorrow to fill in for someone who backed out?”, “Should I present at a conference far from home just because I will be in the area at a family reunion at the time?” or “Do I take on the extra gig, obligation, opportunity, meeting, presentation, etc. just because I could?”


Well, then, try this out: score yourself accordingly on these questions: 0 = no way; 1 = I don't really want to; 2 = meh!; 3 = maybe; 4 = might be fun; 5 = stupendous!


  1. Mine: The biggest question of all: Is this yours to do? Is doing this part of what your life, your soul, your essence is calling you to do at this moment?
  2. Time: Is the timing right for doing this in your life, or will you be just recovering from doing too many other things? Or do you have enough time to do it the way you want to do it?
  3. Team: If you’re working collaboratively, will you be part of a time aligned with your own values? If you’re just showing up to do something with others, is it organized with integrity and thoughtfulness, and good communication between the organizers and you?
  4. Health: Does doing this bring you home to yourself in body and mind, or further out to field? Does this compromise your physical, mental or emotional health? Does it come at a time when you’ll be more vulnerable and need to take better care of yourself (such as after organizing a big event)? Also, does this add to your health in a positive way? Or does considering it make your stomach hurt?
  5. Livelihood: Does this add to your right livelihood — the Buddhist term of making a living without doing harm (and by extension, contributing to your community and living out your life’s gifts)? Even if it doesn’t pay money, does it enhance your livelihood in other ways, or does it distract from how you live out your vocation and avocation?
  6. Love: Do you love doing this? Are you working with, visiting with or playing with people you love? Is it in a place you love or would love to get to know?


Now, add up your scores and aim for at least a score of 20 before you say yes. Big caveat: If you get a lower score than that, but your heart drops because you want to do this so much, then consider what it would take to make this worthwhile (get people to help, stay in a nice little B & B on the way, travel with a bag of chocolate, dark chocolate so that it’s good for your health, etc.).


Looking back on projects I’ve done in the last year, I realize the ones I’m most happy I did all had pretty high scores. The ones that made a wet paper towel out of me didn’t. At the same time, it’s important to realize that you can score something high in advance and afterwards discover that it garners a lower score (the conference wasn’t what you thought, the car broke down, the team you were part of disintegrated because of external factors). Life does that, and there’s no way to have control, but at least this may be a tool for having a little more informed consent about what you and I choose to do. In any case, let me know how it works for you!


Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg has been the blog editor for Atma Clinic. She's a poet and writer (and past poet laureate of Kansas), teacher and mentor, and writing and right livelihood coach. More on her here.



Find out how to set up your life for greater health at Atma Clinic. Your first visit is free -- call us at 785/760-0695.


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Let Go of the Need to Do It All

By Sharon Burch • 20 Dec, 2022
One of the big stressors for a lot of us is “All the Undone Things” on our task list, in our emails box, and around our homes. “All the Undone Things” can feel overwhelming, weigh us down, make us scramble, or distract ourselves so as not to think about anything we could easily get done at the moment. The stress comes from thinking we need to have all of that stuff done as soon as possible, but it's virtually impossible to keep up on everything because no matter how much we do, there will always be more. Washing the dishes one day doesn't mean there won't be more dishes, and answering all our messages does nothing to avoid more messages. It can be incredibly liberating to let go of the need to do it all. How is that possible? Should we just scrap our lists and not do anything except what we absolutely have to do? That’s probably not going to make for an enjoyable life or keep us on top of what's necessary to cover at a minimum. The balance might be to let go of the need to get it all done and focus on the big impact things on your list, one at a time. Choose your most refreshed, attentive times of the day to focus on what’s most important to you, and choose one or two times per day to catch up on emails, messages, and small organizational tasks, knowing you won't get all those done. Let that be okay. Instead of looking at our tasks as a never-ending list of things we need to get done right away, what if it we saw that list as a grab-bag of opportunities? Seeing opportunities instead of burdens and might-dos instead of must-dos can bring us greater freedom in engaging with day-to-day chores. Instead of feeling anxious about the entire list, we can aim our minds toward what would feel delightful to accomplish today. What would be a powerful step toward the impact you'd like to contribute to the world? What would light you up right now? Then at the end of your day, we can simply practice wrapping things up and shutting down instead of feeling guilty about getting the rest we need or like we have to get so much more done, which can otherwise lead to overwork, burnout, and rarely or never letting ourselves enjoy feeling rested. Here's some tips for reducing the guilt and fear associated with the need to do it all so that we can embrace greater rest and even more joy: 1. Recognize it when it's happening. When it's late in the day and we could be wrapping things up and closing our workday, we can notice the urge to do more. Notice the guilt of stopping. Just bringing awareness to the fear and guilt, without judging those feelings or needing them to go away, is the first step. 2. Breathe and feel. Pause, take a few deep breaths, and don't give power to the fear. Feel the physical sensation of the fear, but don't give into it. Give yourself some kindness and self-compassion around the guilt or fear you are feeling. 3. Use slower breathing, specifically slower exhalation to reduce your fear. Slower exhalations create slower heart rates and slower brain wave patterns. This is called “polyvagal breathing” if you want to research it, and it reliably reduces anxiety and the fight, flight, or freeze responses in most people. Simply breathe naturally on inhalation, then make your exhalation a little longer. · Repeat this breathing cycle four or more times, then focus on one task without interruption. · For bonus benefits, let yourself exhale with a sigh or make another low-pitched sound, like a low growl or foghorn. The low-pitch sound increases the relaxing effects of the long exhalation. · When you notice your attention veering, kindly bring your attention back to breathing with longer exhalation than inhalation. 4. Remind yourself of a bigger truth. The idea that you should be on top of everything and working harder and harder can feel really true in the moment, but it is very rarely the bigger truth. Ask yourself: What is a bigger truth? Do you need rest to be able to serve others? Do you have the right to spend time with others, to take care of yourself, to feel joy at spaciousness in your life? Is this is a healthy model for living? 5. Then take a rest. Feel in your heart how this is worthwhile, and let yourself enjoy the space. You don't need to fill every moment with more work, more messages, more “To-Dos”. What can you do today to practice letting go of needing to do it all? _______________ Sharon Burch, APRN provides holistic health counseling and has been in healthcare for over 30 years with a focus on Holistic nursing. She welcomes comments to her post also. Consider visiting the clinic soon. -- call us at 785-760-0695. Please follow us on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter, and LinkedIn for the latest news and services

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