How to Make a Decision
How to Make a Decision
by Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg
How do you decide what to say yes to and what to run from at a fast pace? Sometimes making a decision, even on the small stuff (and as the saying goes, "it's all the small stuff") can be overwhelming, so I devised this approach to more clearly assess your options. Please keep in mind that you need to find the best way forward for you, so feel free to tweak these questions as it serves you.
But first a little background: I’m a recovering girl-who-can’t-say-no. For years, everything I got offered and every possibility I thought up just sounds like too much fun to pass up, but after my health suffered from over-committing, I came up with the mantra, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” Then I ran the experiment a few thousand more times to realized I needed more than a mantra. Over a decade ago, a dear friend said to you, “You need to think up five questions to ask yourself before saying yes to anything.”
I have, and in fact, the five questions turned to six, and then I realized the questions weren’t enough: I needed to score them from 0 (heck no!) to 5 (this is the greatest thing since soft-serve organic ice cream). Are you wondering, “Do I bake 42 cupcakes for the preschool tomorrow to fill in for someone who backed out?”, “Should I present at a conference far from home just because I will be in the area at a family reunion at the time?” or “Do I take on the extra gig, obligation, opportunity, meeting, presentation, etc. just because I could?”
Well, then, try this out: score yourself accordingly on these questions: 0 = no way; 1 = I don't really want to; 2 = meh!; 3 = maybe; 4 = might be fun; 5 = stupendous!
- Mine: The biggest question of all: Is this yours to do? Is doing this part of what your life, your soul, your essence is calling you to do at this moment?
- Time: Is the timing right for doing this in your life, or will you be just recovering from doing too many other things? Or do you have enough time to do it the way you want to do it?
- Team: If you’re working collaboratively, will you be part of a time aligned with your own values? If you’re just showing up to do something with others, is it organized with integrity and thoughtfulness, and good communication between the organizers and you?
- Health: Does doing this bring you home to yourself in body and mind, or further out to field? Does this compromise your physical, mental or emotional health? Does it come at a time when you’ll be more vulnerable and need to take better care of yourself (such as after organizing a big event)? Also, does this add to your health in a positive way? Or does considering it make your stomach hurt?
- Livelihood: Does this add to your right livelihood — the Buddhist term of making a living without doing harm (and by extension, contributing to your community and living out your life’s gifts)? Even if it doesn’t pay money, does it enhance your livelihood in other ways, or does it distract from how you live out your vocation and avocation?
- Love: Do you love doing this? Are you working with, visiting with or playing with people you love? Is it in a place you love or would love to get to know?
Now, add up your scores and aim for at least a score of 20 before you say yes. Big caveat: If you get a lower score than that, but your heart drops because you want to do this so much, then consider what it would take to make this worthwhile (get people to help, stay in a nice little B & B on the way, travel with a bag of chocolate, dark chocolate so that it’s good for your health, etc.).
Looking back on projects I’ve done in the last year, I realize the ones I’m most happy I did all had pretty high scores. The ones that made a wet paper towel out of me didn’t. At the same time, it’s important to realize that you can score something high in advance and afterwards discover that it garners a lower score (the conference wasn’t what you thought, the car broke down, the team you were part of disintegrated because of external factors). Life does that, and there’s no way to have control, but at least this may be a tool for having a little more informed consent about what you and I choose to do. In any case, let me know how it works for you!
Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg has been the blog editor for Atma Clinic. She's a poet and writer (and past poet laureate of Kansas), teacher and mentor, and writing and right livelihood coach. More on her here.
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